A Farewell Letter to the Greatest Education President Ever

Dear President Bush,

Don't let that liberal media get you down with their polls. As one of the 17% of Americans who knows you were a great president - history (and your heavenly reward!) will prove the "Negative Nellies" wrong - I just want to say "Thank you!" for all the great work.

Because of your support for abstinence-only sex education, my teenage daughter and son are still virgins. As for the mean-spirited gossip around town that they've been playing games with their non-virginal zones in ways that make Sodom seem like Sunday School, well, let me tell you that they're just not true - my daughter's walk is that way from too much horseback-riding. She swore to that while we slow-danced at our Purity Ball last week. (And I double-darn guarantee you that Ball was a heck of a lot more fun than Barack Hussein Obama's inaugural ball will be. You should come next year, and bring your own lovely daughters!)  Likewise, those little blemishes on their mouths and other parts of their pure bodies are just cold sores and pimples. That school nurse who said otherwise, and who showed me that study about how abstinence-only education is causing kids to increase in both sin and sickness? She can stick her liberal science where the sun don't shine.

Speaking of "science," I also want to thank you for putting those pesky, elitist, know-it-all "scientists" in their place over the last eight years. You and me both know that evolution is just a "theory," and that no matter how much some of us may look like monkeys, the Good Book says otherwise right there on page 2 of "Genesis" in God's own red, white, and blue English. Same with that so-called "global warming." You were right to silence those government scientists who drank the Al Gore kool-aid. Heck, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's hotter these days because the population boom down in Hell. (More sinners, more fires. Heat rises. Boom: global warming. It's basic physics.)  Anyway, thanks to you, my children know better than to believe all this "scientific research."

(You should see my kids, whenever "global warming" comes up, imitate your "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter!" joke at your last G8 Summit. They do the fist-jab as they say it as perfectly as you did in front of all those world leaders. Thank you for setting that example for the young, Sir!)

Finally, I want to thank you for improving my children's reading and math skills. I can't believe how good they have become at choosing the right bubbles on all those state tests they've been taking. Those Nellies who say that those reading tests don't measure literacy should come to my house and watch my son and daughter read classics like Answers in Genesis, The Bell Curve, and Mein Kampf. I grill them after every chapter with comprehension questions, and they're 100% right every time. They understand the genius of these great works and argue their points against liberals who try to debate them with a force that makes this father proud.  (As for math, they're better at calculating how much my savings have shrunk than I am!)

Mr. President, I could say much more, but I think I'll stop here. God bless you, Sir, for all you've done in your service to America - and God save us from the years of liberal tyranny we face when you're gone.

Sincerely,

Wilber D. Snipes III
Crawford, Texas

P.S. Congratulations on the postage stamp! I was in a fraternity too, and let me tell you, I surely appreciate your whacky way of telling the liberals where to get off!!!