Are Black Women Too Religious To Get Married?

As I've previously blogged here, the media has a not-so-subtle obsession with the love lives of single black women. Recently, CNN.com added more fuel to the fire, pondering, "Does the church keep black women single?"

We've already learned from the mainstream media that black women are too educated, too successful and too independent to be marriageable. Now, it seems, we can add "too religious" to our list of supposed sins.

According to the 2000 census, unmarried rates among African Americans are double that of whites. In trying to explain this trend, you might consider the legacy of slavery, and how it impacted black families. You might look for a correlation between high rates of poverty and lack of personal and domestic stability.

Or — as the CNN seems to prefer — you might simply obsess over what black women need to change about themselves to better snag a man, instead.

CNN.com's article was inspired by a post by San Francisco Examiner advice columnist and blogger Deborrah Cooper, who claims that "predominantly black protestant churches, such as African Methodists, Pentecostal, and certain denominations of Evangelical and Baptist churches are the main reason black women are single." Cooper is quoted as saying, "Black women are interpreting the scriptures too literally. They want a man to which they are 'equally yoked' — a man that goes to church five times a week and every Sunday just like they do."

Both Cooper's declarations and CNN's willingness to give them credence are highly disturbing.

Why do we obsess over what black women are (allegedly) doing wrong in their relationships? And why — as Cooper is doing here — do we demand that they should be the exception?

When looking for a life partner, it makes sense to pursue a person whose beliefs, values and interests are compatible with yours. Marriages between two people who share key values are inherently stronger. Everyone has a right to find a partner who shares their convictions, right? Except, apparently, black women.

From bloggers like Cooper to outlets like CNN.com, the mainstream media is all too engrossed in the idea that black women are the ones who are responsible for fixing their broken relationships with black men. We hear that idea repeatedly — from breathless headlines a la CNN to interminable discussions that serve up platitudes from the thrice-married Steve Harvey. By contrast, far less ink is spilled on what black men need to do to make themselves more marriageable, or — more usefully — how social pressure weakens black relationships, and how both black men and women might strengthen them.

Ironically, the same week that CNN pondered whether black women are just too damned religious, a new study found "African American couples are more likely than others to share core religious beliefs and pray together at home — factors that have been linked to greater happiness in marriages and relationships." Huh.

I am a happily married black woman — something that is apparently as rare as a unicorn. I'm lucky to have a smart, charming, funny and hard-working husband who shares my love of reading, politics and old British comedy shows. He's undeniably the right man for me — though I wouldn't have learned that if I'd been busy pretending to be less educated, less successful, less independent or less secular when we met — i.e., less me. The way to find the right partner for you is to be yourself. There — that's some advice for my black, single sisters, if they're not already too weary of hearing people obsess over their marital status.

Yes, there's a real rift between black men and women. But low marriage rates are only a symptom of this phenomenon. And one thing's for sure: Change will never come when we take the easy way out and simply blame women.

Photo Credit: Phil Wood Photo