Ask Amy Advises Relationship With Abusive Parents

by Roxann MtJoy · 2010-12-15 15:49:00 UTC
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Oh, Amy Dickinson, what have you done this time? Last year, you told a reader in your "Ask Amy" column that she needed to accept responsibility for her own rape. Now, you are telling a young woman who left a home filled with violence that she ought to continue to pursue a relationship with the people that abused her.

The advice-seeker — who wrote to Amy using the pseudonym "Worried Daughter" — describes the following situation: She grew up in a home where she suffered both emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her parents. When she was 18 years old, she got herself out of the situation. Now 20, she lives on the other side of the country with her fiancé. Worried Daughter is putting herself through college with a 4.0 GPA, working full-time, paying her bills, and leading an all-around happy, productive life.

Worried Daughter's problem is that her mother is trying to manipulate her once more. The mother wants her to visit, but not bring along her fiancé, whom she hates because she blames him for her daughter leaving her toxic home situation. Amy's advice to Worried Daughter? Try and patch things up with the mother who physically beat you and keep an eye on that supportive guy in your life.

Seriously. Amy tells her that her "burden now is to continue to grow up" (sounds like she's already doing that), "leave the door open to a relationship" with her abusive family (of course), and make sure that she doesn't let her boyfriend control her (even though Worried Daughter never so much as hinted he was the one causing any of the trouble).

Did I miss the memo where it said that it is perfectly healthy to pursue relationships with people who are emotionally and physically abusive, with people whom  you say treated you like a slave, and with whom continued contact is "rare, strained and painful"? Does Amy Dickinson really think this behavior is less traumatizing when it comes from a parent and not a lover?

Young women — all women, really — need to know that violence against is never their fault and that they should not stand for it. Shared DNA is not an excuse. Amy feels that Worried Daughter is "too young" to make that call for herself. I disagree. Tell Amy and her bosses at the Chicago Tribune — the newspaper that syndicates her column — that her advice is dangerous and needs to be retracted. There is no minimum age to know that abuse should not be tolerated.

Photo credit: Infrogmation

Roxann MtJoy is a freelance writer who previously worked as a case manager at a domestic violence shelter. She is currently attending graduate school for theater in Mount Vernon, N.Y.

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