Circle of Friends: Knowledge is power

In my previous post, I described how our laxity in observation and advocacy for our son led to a grade-wide perception of him as a bully, while at the same time, he was on the receiving end of bullying from some of his classmates during every unstructured period of his day. We decided it was time to act and implemented a program called Circle of Friends (COF).

The underlying principle of COF is that knowledge is power. Our child’s different ability is as much a part of him as his blond hair, and the more other people know and understand about autism, the better they will understand our son. The kids learn more about the specific child and that child’s expression of a different ability, and then they can choose whether or not they’d like to become part of that child’s circle of friends. They’re not mentors, they’re not babysitters, they’re friends who do what friends do: support, advise, guide, interact, play.

There are three basic parts to COF, adjustable to specific needs. First is the presentation to peers, preferably with you, the school counselor, and maybe a special ed teacher. Second is a letter that goes home to parents, explaining COF and asking for signed permission for their child to participate. And third is follow-up, varying from school-led activities with children who signed up to out-of-school activities organized by the child’s parent. Follow-up thank-you notes/updates are also part of this phase.

Part I
First, we presented a slide show about TH to the children (TH had reviewed it all and given the OK). The counselor explained what autism is. I brought a PowerPoint slide set with pictures of TH doing the things he loves most: studying nature close up, collecting bugs, playing on the beach, doing art, playing chess. I also included pictures of his hugging his baby brother and helping his brothers.

With this approach, kids make a connection. They learn about commonalities in that part of the presentation, and they learn about differences. For example, TH’s special ed teacher talked with them about some of TH’s behaviors that they might find confusing and we talked through some of them.

Part II
The permission slip contained a carefully worded explanation of what we were doing and why. I included a clinical definition of Asperger’s and gave some examples of TH’s social behaviors that might come across the wrong way. We defined COF and its goals, and I think it also would be useful to include a longer outline of the program on the back of the letter. At the bottom was a simple permission slip for the parents to fill in and sign and our contact information if they had questions.

Part III
This is the implementation and “thank-you” phase. Depending on the involvement of your school, you may be able to arrange small-group activities at lunch or on the playground with kids who have signed up to be Friends. This part is, however, largely the parent’s responsibility to follow up on and arrange. There are any number of COF activities that you can arrange with parents and their children who have signed onto the program. Finally, we also had the COF plan read into the minutes of our ARD.

How did it turn out?
Overall, the children were attentive, curious, and pretty thoughtful. About 40 permission slips came back, agreeably signed. The letter apparently sparked numerous dinner-table conversations about differences and understanding. One of the parents who had complained, belligerently, about our son told a neighbor that he now “felt small” knowing the reality of the situation. We heard feedback like, “This helps us understand so much better,” and “I’m hearing so many good things about the letter,” and “I’m so glad to know more about this.”

TH’s teacher reported that the entire tenor of the classroom changed since we presented, almost immediately. Children didn’t react strongly or negatively to some of the strange things TH does or says. They seemed to understand him better. TH himself seemed more at ease: less flapping, more focus, less humming and vocalizing. In her last report card summary, she described him as being “well liked” by his peers, saying that his “social issues” had “disappeared,” which she attributed to COF. [Is acceptance of differences classifiable as “cure”? ;-) ]

If you’d like more information about COF or documents that explain the program and provide prototypes for the letter and other information, please get in touch with me or see my blog for more. This is a profound way to achieve important change at the individual and community level, and I’d like to see it spread faster than a rumor on a hot parental grapevine.