Dear Auntie Siobhan: A Student's Mother Won't Get Off My Back

Dear Auntie Siobhan:

I'd like some advice about how to deal with a persistent parent.

I am teaching a summer college course.  Halfway through the summer term, a student - let's call her Nasreen - fell ill and could not write the midterm in-class essay.  Her mother contacted me four times that day, expressing concern about how this could be worked out.  Long story short: that situation was sorted, and Nasreen made up her midterm the following week.

Following this episode, her mother contacted me again and insisted on coming to see me to thank me for being so kind to her daughter.  I explained that it was not necessary, and that she needn't go to the trouble.  She showed up at my office bearing gifts (coffee and croissants), which I tried, in vain, to refuse.  In any case, I explained to her quite clearly that, because her daughter is over 18, I could not speak to her about Nasreen's grades or class work, and that she had placed me in a very uncomfortable position by bringing me a "thank you" gift, however small.  She apologised and promised not to bother me again.

Nasreen is a weak student who has not been pulling her weight all semester.  Thus far, she is failing the course.  She has missed all kinds of class work, quizzes and generally, has done poorly on whatever she has handed in.  She has not asked for extra help, nor has she suggested that any extenuating circumstances have been affecting her performance.

Last night, Nasreen contacted me via our online class message system to ask "what she needed on the final essay" in order to pass the course because she needs it to graduate.  I gave her the breakdown of what marks were left in the course, and instructed her to consult the online summary of her grades, which tallies and averages her marks so far.  I also mentioned that based on her performance thus far in the course, her chances were not great (but not impossible).  I told her to come and see me during my office hours to discuss things further.

This brings us to today, when her mother contacted me again.  The mother left me a message, pleading for me to call her back because "she has something to tell me."

I have no intention of phoning this woman back, or ever speaking to her again.  I feel like I'm being manipulated, and I also feel that this woman will try to use her "thank you gift" against me in some way.  I do not want to get caught up in any of this, but I also think that I need to protect myself.

Please send me your thoughts, advice, suggestions.

Irritated by Helicopters

Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Dear Irritated:

I feel for primary and high school teachers, who often say their most difficult interactions are not with students, colleagues or administrators, but with parents.  There are obviously many advantages to interacting with parents who are concerned about their children's success, but, as your problem illustrates, there are drawbacks.

As college teachers, you and I rarely have to deal with parents.  What's more, as you point out, we can't legally reveal any information about our students to their parents if the students are over the age of majority.  (Things become fuzzy with those of our students who are not, but the question doesn't often arise, at least in my experience; over my years of teaching college, I've received only a handful of communiques from parents.)

Where the gift is concerned, there may be a cultural issue.  I lived in Japan for a couple of years, where a thank-you gift would have been de rigeur in a situation like yours.  If Nasreen's mother is a recent immigrant from another country, your insistence that a gift was unnecessary might have sounded like simple politeness, not a true refusal.  So the gift itself might not be a symptom of anything more than genuine gratitude.

Nevertheless, your obligations here are clear.  It's admirable that the mother is concerned, but you've already told her that you can't communicate with her about Nasreen and her problems.  If Nasreen chooses to show up at your office with her mother in tow, that's a different situation, but so far, that's not what has happened.

I would contact an administrator, perhaps your dean, about this situation immediately, forwarding the information you've sent to me, in order to document what's going on in case this mother becomes even more troublesome.  (I believe that a dean is entitled to access any of this student's information, but you might want to ask him/her what you need to keep to yourself before sharing the details of the student's performance.)

I would then address the situation with Nasreen, emphasizing that you're willing to discuss any personal issues with her if she feels they're interfering with her schoolwork, but that if her mother is going to be involved in these discussions, it might also be appropriate to have the dean present, in order to make sure that all legal and personal boundaries are respected.

The goal here is not to shut out a concerned parent.  I've been known to respond to parental inquiries, even with over-age students, by simply outlining school and classroom policies and other things that are matters of public record, without revealing any of the student's personal information.  In this case, though, you've drawn the lines clearly and the mother has crossed them again, rather than encouraging her daughter to engage with you directly.  So I think you need backup.

I have a sense that even if you take these further measures, this mother may persist in communicating with you as long as her daughter is your student.  Your only choice will be to stand firm and to make sure you've covered all your bases.  You may eventually need pass the problem to someone higher up and make it theirs.

Good luck!

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Big thanks to Clay Burell for asking me to guest post this week.  "Dear Auntie Siobhan" will be a continued, if irregular, feature on my home blog, Classroom as Microcosm, so if you still have teaching concerns and would like to see them discussed, visit my blog or contact me at siobhancurious@gmail.com.

Image by Kriss Szkurlatowski