E-Cards for Your Favorite Dictator

by Michael Bear · 2009-04-22 15:28:00 UTC
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The following is a joint production of your favorite genocide and humanitarian relief bloggers.

We recently took a break from our normal back-and-forth - Darfur, genocide, Zimbabwe, genocide, a shared love of Live Your Life by TI (featuring Rihanna) - to ponder an equally important question.  Why, why is it so difficult to find the perfect greeting card to send to your favorite dictator or despot?

Feeling somewhat let-down by the friendly folks at Hallmark, we decided to take matters into our own hands.  Inspired by someecards.com, below are a few sentiments that we think make wonderful dictator greeting cards.

If you have any suggestions - both about other slogans, or the email addresses of various thugs to whom we might send such cards - we'd love to hear.

What to send to your favorite dictator on that special occasion

"Congratulations on dying in office."

"Congratulations on staying in power after completely destroying your own country."

"Way to rig that election!"

"I'm inspired by your callous disregard for human life."

"Here's to hoping you make it through the rainy season without contracting cholera."

"Merry Christmas: May the ghosts of massacres past leave you in peace this year."

"I love the way your thugs dress with such flair."

"I'm touched that you care enough to send your thugs to follow me."

"If I have to be tortured, I'd want to be tortured by you."

"I was disappeared and all I got was this lousy card."

"Way to put the 'Fuck You' in 'unity government.'"

"Power-sharing is for pussies." (I know, I know, but we couldn't resist the alliteration)

"Extra-judicial is extra-special."

"Exile is overrated."

"You're totally hot when you wave your fist."

And, because dictators need to express their feelings as well

"I have sent these militiamen to burn your house down. Don't ever cross me again. :) "

"Please accept my sincere apologies for sending the youth militias to your house at 3am this morning.”

"I accept full responsibility for detaining you on bogus charges and torturing you within an inch of your life, but please understand that I was only fighting the forces of evil sent by the West to destroy me.”

"I torture because I care."

“I send this fruit basket as an offering to make amends for denying the delivery of life-saving HIV medications to your local clinic.”

[Sudanese President Omar Bashir in fine form - Photo from AP / The Washington Times]

Michael Bear
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