Eat This, Bourdain

As most of us know, Anthony Bourdain isn't exactly friendly to vegans. Indeed, in his book Kitchen Confidential, Bourdain famously accused veg*ns of being "the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit," calling vegans the "Hezbollah-like splinter faction" of vegetarians. Damn those vegans and their annoying sense of compassion and justice! Curse their commitment to healthy, sustainable, animal-friendly living!

And then there are statements such as this one: "People's choice to become vegan, from people I've spoken to, seems motivated by fear. Like, 'it's possibly toxic, or ungroovy, or poisonous, or loaded with chemicals or some kind of harmful things that'll make me less healthy.'"

Mr. Bourdain, let's talk one on one, shall we? Come close now. I want you to hear me clearly--this is important. Are you listening? OK, good.

You are an idiot.

(More after the jump)

I'm certain that I know far more vegans than you do, and yet shockingly, I don't know a single one who became vegan out of fear. I know lots of people who make fun of vegans or refuse to consider veganism out of fear of what they don't understand or what they've heard is a difficult way of living (it isn't), but I've never known someone to eat delicious, healthy vegan food and live a life consistent with his or her values simply because he or she is paralyzed by some kind of fear.

I know vegans who made the switch because they truly care about animals, and they understand that all animal agriculture--from factory farms to family farms, from veal farms to egg farms--involves inherent, unnecessary suffering. I know vegans who made the switch because they care about the planet on which they live, and they've learned that a vegan diet is far friendlier to that planet and far less contributory to global warming than an omnivorous one. I know vegans who made the switch because they recognize the connections between injustices to animals and injustices to humans, and they see the interconnectedness of it all; they see that violence against animals contributes to, and is related to, violence against humans. I know vegans who made the switch because they wanted to be healthier or lose weight or just feel better and more energetic every morning. Fear, not so much.

Mr. Bourdain? Sir? Can you hear me, sir? I think he left.

I don't like Anthony Bourdain (perhaps you noticed), but I am grateful to the man, for one reason: he at the very least energizes vegans to prove him wrong, which, quite frankly, isn't a difficult task. Because of Bourdain, we have, for example, Hezbollah Tofu, the author of which also likes to have imaginary conversations with Bourdain:

The thing is, you've been talking a lot of shit. And you've been doing a lot of bitching and moaning about how we joy-hating terrorist vegans ruin your day and oppose the aforementioned human spirit. And I know whenever one of us sets foot in one of your tourist traps of culinary mediocrity, you huff around like Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer, roll your eyes, slice some eggplant, charge us $25 for it and take another smoke break. That's cool. We're not overly concerned.

Because, Anthony, you're kind of tragically wrong about us. But don't worry, we're not going to do something silly like picket the Travel Channel or go around bookstores drawing giant penises on your book covers with Sharpies. We have two key advantages over you in this game: we're easily mobilized, and we can cook.

So we aren't just going to "enjoy" food, we're going to enjoy vastly improved, veganized versions of your masturbatory, blood-oozing recipes. And then we're going to compile them, sell them in zine form, and donate the proceeds to vegan outreach organizations and farm sanctuaries--in your name. Anthony, I have to say, I'm really looking forward to the great work we're going to do together for veganism.

I may not like Bourdain, but I do love what he's inspired. Granted, Hezbollah Tofu is on a hiatus right now, but don't let that stop you from scouring the delicious and deliciously snarky archives. This woman takes Bourdain to task and, with the help of friends, veganizes his recipes like no other.

And now he's inspiring expansions in Boston too (thanks to Eric for the alert on this one):

Wheeler Del Torro is expanding his vegan ice cream shop into a full-service cafe serving vegan sandwiches, salads, soups, baked goods and teas.

The 30-seat Wheeler's Cafe & Ice Cream Bar, at 334 Massachusetts Ave. in Boston, will celebrate its grand-opening Dec. 15.

Those who eschew animal products can thank chef/author Anthony Bourdain, host of the Travel Channel's "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations," for the inspiration.

"Anthony talks a lot of (expletive) about vegans and all this (expletive) about how vegan food sucks," Del Torro said. "This was sort of my giving him and other people who have that perception the finger. We're not sitting around eating dirt and twigs."

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Food image from the HT post "Seitan Said DANCE"