Elf Rights Group Organizes "Naughtiness" Protest Against Workshop Abuses

This holiday season may be merry for us, but there will be no good cheer for the most famously exploited minority group associated with Christmas. I'm talking about elves. Across the North Pole in the months leading up to Christmas, thousands upon thousands of elves are forced to work around the clock producing toys for all the "nice" children of the world. They work without pay, and with limited cocoa breaks and almost no sing-a-longs. The life of a Christmas elf is truly a terrible one.

But this year, the National Organization for Elvish Liberation (NOEL) has organized an international stand for elf rights, mobilizing millions of people around the world to peacefully protest the exploitation of elves in Christmas workshops with a revolutionary action.  NOEL supporters around the world are carrying the mantel of elvish rights and boldly declaring, "I am naughty!" But what does this naughtiness protest mean?

"Every act of naughtiness embraced by by NOEL supporters can save one elf from a lifetime of servitude," says NOEL President Holly Bush. "We try to encourage supporters to be naughty once a day, perhaps in the morning while they're dressing for work or on their commute home in the evening. If everyone was willing to be naughty for just a few minutes a day, we could significantly reduce the 'nice' list and thus end the systemic exploitation of Christmas elves."

While the cause of elf rights is certainly a noble one, not everyone agrees with NOEL's controversial tactics. The promotion of naughtiness has traditionally been considered a big taboo by the elf-rights community, as the ramifications are untested. Youth United for Loving Elves (YULE) has even called NOEL a terrorist organization, and claims their promotion of naughtiness as a tactic to end elf exploitation goes to far.

"Of course we all want an end to the exploitation of Elvish-Americans in Christmas workshops," claims YULE spokesman Santos Klaus. "But NOEL's blatant promotion of naughtiness goes too far. If they want to have all those naughty acts on their conscience, that's fine by me, but YULE will not stoop to such levels."

It's too early to tell whether NOEL's controversial tactics will be effective in saving elves from exploitation, or if an increase in international naughtiness will have unintended consequences that no one has predicted. But if the international naughty list begins growing in the next few weeks, this reporter will certainly be checking it twice.

I hope you've enjoyed this bit of holiday satire. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Photo credit: R Berteig