Expecting Women to Always Be Caregivers Is Unfair to Both Parties

With the holidays upon us, I am reminded of the extra work that takes place as families and friends gather together in the U.S. and in other parts of the world. I am reminded that the majority of that work, like most daily household work -- including, but not limited to, cooking and cleaning and taking care of the children while they are on break from school -- is done by women. Many of these women take on these extra duties on top of out-of-the-home jobs where they are already working full time.

I am also reminded that some of these women are caregivers. Caring for children and aging parents and family members with disabilities falls largely on the shoulders of women. Society assumes that women will just pick up these jobs. I am reminded of this when I think of what happened to Alexis Hutchinson, whose family care plan fell through because her mother, Angelique Hughes, was already caring for her own sick mother, a sick child, and a presumably disabled child, and thus couldn't handle the additional burden of caring for a toddler. The Army assumed that Hutchinson was lying about her care plan, figuring that her mother should just care for the child. Her chain of command demonstrated that they have no understanding of what it takes to be a caregiver. But Angelique Hughes is a woman, so naturally she should provide that care without complaint!

We as a society assume that women are going to provide care for family members who suddenly have increased needs. We assume that when anyone becomes disabled or needs additional care, a woman will take on that extra care (in fairness, we assume that it will be a spouse or parent, but it is often a female spouse or parent, and we are finding that men are less likely to take on the caregiver role). Part of this flawed assumption is the stereotype that women will always be the ones with endless patience, able to carry on and make the right decisions for those we are caring for. If for some reason we can't or won't provide that extra care, then we are somehow failures as women -- even though the world around us isn't designed to offer the resources or support that we need to provide that care. It is ultimately unpaid labor, as is most of the work that women do in the home.

My good friend and co-blogger at FWD/Forward, Anna, puts it best, discussing the decision to get a home nurse to assist with the care of her husband. Anna points out that the care of her husband's hygiene, personal grooming, and comfort should not depend on her mood or how busy she is; with a hired professional, both she and her husband know that someone is contractually obligated to provide for those needs. Furthermore, in shouldering that care-giving responsibility herself, Anna would find herself in an imbalanced relationship where her husband is delegated to the role of a child. Hiring a professional skirts this difficulty while providing a set of checks and balances designed to give her husband autonomy in his care.

While there is great privilege associated with being able to hire outside help, it demonstrates the value of the work we demand of women for free. Placing the burden of caregiver all on the woman family member cuts deeply two ways. For one, it is unfair to demand more unpaid labor of those women while not providing the resources needed for this job. Because it is work, and that work should be fairly compensated both financially and emotionally. In addition, it is unfair to the person requiring care, for all the reasons Anna mentions, and more. The care of that person depends on both societal and individual resources. To demand them from a woman without compensation is dangerous to her and to the person for whom she is caring.

Photo: Irargerich on Flickr