"Faking It" vs. Meaningful Relationships

by Dora Raymaker · 2009-05-17 10:53:00 UTC
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a 4 high x 5 wide grid of people's faces from the front; all of the people are smiling. all of the people are younger adults and there is a random mix of men and women. above each face is a check or an 'x' in a circle. each face is in a blue box and has the word 'Genuine' or 'Fake' beneath it.About a month ago I posted on rotely learned social rules and timing. From that post, "Not so sure however if these rules are what actually leads to "meaningful relationships" (hold that thought)." Time to stop holding, here it is--

The Arizona Daily Star reports on a new life skills program, and the opening text is,

In the year since his autism was diagnosed, 24-year-old Cody Fuhrman has learned the art of the "social fake"--pretending to be interested, even when he's not.

"You look at the person and nod," explained Fuhrman, who said his high-functioning autism had for years been misdiagnosed as attention-deficit (hyperactivity) disorder.

While some amount of "faking" can be useful in some situations (e.g., when one must get past the security checkpoint at the airport without incident), "faking" used indiscriminately or with people one is desiring deeper bonds with--maybe not so much with the useful. One concern is that the cost to one's personal and interpersonal health may be very high for very little (or even negatives) in return. The Perils of Passing from Andrea's Buzzing About blog highlights key issues in how constant "faking" might be detrimental to a person and to their interpersonal relationships: additional stress, lack of intended effect, anger and ostracization from others when the faking fails or fails to convince (e.g., many people can tell the difference between a real smile and a faked one), and dehumanizing effects. And recall the relationship between health and authenticity. Also, health-issue-wise is the connection between faking and the supercrip problem.

And then there's the key question: what is the quality of a relationship that has been built on faked gestures? Can a "meaningful" (purposeful, significant) relationship exist in absence of genuine purpose behind one's actions? Can a "relationship" (a connection, an association) exist between entities where there is no real (only illusionary) common ground? If one person in a relationship is faking, is the relationship itself only an act?

There are no problems with learning a few social fake skills if they are within a person's capabilities--everyone has a few social fakes in their interaction repertoire, and for good reason. However, it is of much concern when a few social fake skills get conflated into "these are rules for how to interact with others" or "these are rules for how to have a meaningful relationship." That is not healthy, or practical, for anyone.

Dora Raymaker
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