How To Sound Like a Humanitarian Expert in Three Easy Steps

by Michael Bear · 2009-10-07 22:48:00 UTC
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Someone once told me that there's nothing cheaper than expertise. Apparently what she meant was that it's always possible to hire an expert. I understood her words of wisdom somewhat differently -- that whereas real expertise might be a rare commodity, sounding like an expert isn't all that difficult.

To that end, three simple rules for sounding like an expert on the poverty-stricken, war-torn country of your choice:*

1. Memorize the names of various tribes and semi-obscure towns. Ask questions like: "But what do the [insert name of random tribal group] think?" Or "What about the situation in [semi-obscure town]?"

Both of which are best said with a thoughtful expression, verging on concerned. There's nothing like seeming to agree with your interlocutor while subtly pointing out that his or her analysis is rather facile for ignoring said tribe or district.

2. Memorize the date of one significant or semi-significant event in the country's history. Tie all current political and / or military developments back to that date: "You make an interesting point about Liberian politics, but it's all really just an outgrowth of what happened on September 9th, 1990."

Don't deign to explain further; instead, act as tho of course everyone should know what happened in Liberia on September 9th, 1990.

3. Acronyms, acronyms, acronyms. Saying you dislike the Sudanese Government is one thing, but doesn't really separate you from the crowd. Saying you dislike the NCP is better. Extra points if you can work NCP, SPLM, GNU and HAC into one semi-coherent sentence.

*It goes without saying that the appearance of expertise is quite different from, say, actual knowledge.

[Photo from alancleaver_2000's photostream on flickr]

Michael Bear
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