Humanitarian Mad Libs

by Michael Bear · 2009-06-04 17:25:00 UTC
Topics:

A special Thursday edition of the Wednesday Award for the Worst Places in the World.  I've been thinking about past winners (Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Somalia), and coming to realize that there's a certain similarity, a sameness in all tales of humanitarian suffering and woe.  In other words, Tolstoy was full of shit.

So, for this week, a special humanitarian mad libs version of the award.  Feel free to choose any country which strikes your fancy:

Yet again, bad times in _____ (country).  Surprise, surprise.  Given that _____ (number between five and ten) previous peace deals have fallen through, perhaps it was naive to assume that the _____ (name of random, medium-sized city in random third-world country) Agreements would hold.

(Then again, UN mediators and peace-building experts need work, too.)

In the meantime, renewed fighting between the _____ (four-letter acronym of rebel / insurgent group - extra point if it's MILF) and government forces threaten to push an already-precarious humanitarian situation over the edge.

In just the past _____ (number between one and four) weeks, as many as _____ (number between 500 and 5,000) civilians have been killed; another _____ (number between 50,000 and 500,000) people have fled their homes.

A UN spokesman has described the situation as a "humanitarian _____ (catastrophe / crisis / disaster / shit-storm)".  According to an aid worker with _____ (three or four letter NGO acronym):

"The camps are overwhelmed; the situation is even worse for those caught in the _____ (bush, inaccessible geographic feature, "no fire zone").  We're hearing that people have already started dying of _____ (cholera, hunger, thirst)."

Another aid worker added:

"The _____ (government forces, rebels, government and rebels) are shooting at anyone that tries to flee the area.  We're seeing more and more civilians with _____ (gunshot wounds, shrapnel wounds, massive psychological trauma).  It's a _____ (bloodbath / massacre / slaughter / shit-storm)."

The government has denied firing on civilians.  According to a government spokesman: "These are our people, we are doing everything we can to save them."

Being ever-mindful of their public image, the rebels have also strenuously denied _____ (using civilians as human shields / raping everyone in sight).

Those who have made it to the camps tell a different story.  _____ (man's name - preferably African, Asian or Muslim), a _____ (carpenter, farmer, shopkeeper, taxi-driver) from _____ (name of completely insignificant village) reported seeing _____ (number between 5 and 10) bodies lying on the road as he fled.

"They are shooting everyone," he said.  "The _____ (government, rebels) killed my _____ (family member) last week.  It took us _____ (number between 1 and 5) days to reach the camp.  My _____ (family member) is now very ill."

[Generic photo of refugees from www.inshuti.org]

Michael Bear
PREVIOUS STORY:
Greening Aid: New Approaches, New Priorities
NEXT STORY:
A letter from Bettina Siegel, "Pink Slime" petition creator

COMMENTS (6)

    Comment Policy

    · All fields are required to comment.

    [X]

    Comments on Change.org are meant for further exploration and evaluation of the campaign on Change.org. To that end, we welcome constructive comments. However, we reserve the right to delete comments which, as determined solely in our discretion: (1) are offensive, abusive, or off-topic; (2) include content solely intended to personally attack the campaign creator, (3) are designed to subvert or hijack comment threads rather than contribute to them; and/or (4) violate our terms of service and/or privacy policy. Repeat offenders may be permanently removed from the site at our discretion. Please also be advised that: (A) we do not actively curate and/or monitor in any manner whatsoever the comments made on the Change.org platform, and (B) the creator of each campaign on Change.org may remove any comment at her/his/its discretion.