In Sickness, Health ... And Silence
There are perhaps 65,000 gay and lesbian soldiers serving in our military right now, silent and secret. And many have gay and lesbian partners back home who must also remain silent.
"Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell," it turns out, reaches way past the confines of military bases, right into the homes of everyday LGBT Americans.
The New York Times recently published an op/ed piece by one such husband. He doesn’t give his name, of course. He doesn’t show his face for fear of recognition. He and his husband are out at home, he tells us, so anyone who recognized him would instantly know who his husband is, too.
Don’t ask, don’t tell. And for God’s sake don’t reveal whom you love.
This man has to make excuses to their friends and neighbors about where his husband is and why he’s been gone so long. He cannot trust, for fear of who might let the secret slip. So he runs their farm alone, keeps the home fires burning. And he worries about issues no straight military spouse ever faces.
If this gay soldier is injured, his husband may not be allowed to visit him in a military hospital. If this soldier is killed, no one will call his husband.
No one will call him. How could they, when he doesn’t exist?
In a funeral, he will not be offered the folded flag. When medals are awarded, he will not be recognized as the person his husband fought for, the reason that he served so valiantly.
If this man gets depressed, he can’t call a counselor or attend a support group or even invite another military spouse over for coffee and comfort. Don’t ask, don’t tell -- not even at home. Not even to friends.
Gay husbands and wives stick with their partners for better or worse, in sickness and in health, just like straight spouses. Gay men and women give their military partners a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to fight through to the next day, a reason to stay alive to come home. They are, in a very real sense, the thing their spouses are fighting for.
But this man cannot even tell his husband he loves him when they speak on the phone. Who knows who might be listening? He cannot write the words down, in case the letter gets dropped or opened. Who knows who might see it, read it, and put two and two together?
Don’t ask, don’t tell. This is the very essence of discrimination. This is a betrayal of what we owe our servicemen and women. It flies in the face of the loyalty and honor we require of them, and it negates everything we tell them they are defending.
We must change this. We all must ask, and tell. Ask Congress to vote for change. Tell the White House enough is enough. Tell your friends. Tell your family.
Tell everybody.
Tell today.
Because our servicemen and women and those who love them can’t speak. So we must ask and tell for them.
Cristian Asher
is a writer and graphic designer from California, where he and his husband are one of California's 18,000 legally married same-sex couples.
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