Learning from Women's Relationships

Today on the radio I caught the end of an interview with two women featured in a new book, The Girls from Ames: A Story of Women and Friendship, and the book's author.  It's a biography of sorts, telling the story of a group of women who have been friends for more than 40 years, over distances and through challenges like divorce, death, etc.  I was struck by the wonderment in the author's voice, a man, as he appreciated women's "face-to-face" friendships versus men's "side-by-side" style of hanging out.  As one might expect, he also fretted over his daughters' friendships, unfolding as they do over FB, texting, etc.

Beyond just making me feel all warm and fuzzy about my own terrific women friends, topics like this always make me think of the importance of networks for all of us, especially for those of us who struggle economically.  One of the problems with middle-class scholars and practitioners studying low-income communities is that often times the networks and social supports lower-income or some cultures rely on - extended family networks, for instance - can come across as atypical, problematic, "disorganized," or at worst, pathological to the outsider who expects to see a two-parent, nuclear family structure under one roof.

I know that research suggests that two parents lead to more stable lives for kids, but who wouldn't benefit from the additional income and time of two adults versus one?  What so often goes overlooked is the way that grandmothers, mothers, sisters, and friends take care of one another and one another's kids, providing an extra pair of hands, eyes, attention, food and other resources that two parents also provide better than one.  The absence of a parent - too often a father - does not equal the absent of another loving adult in a child's life.

And what does this have to with women?  The poor among us are disproportionately women and children.  So often when we talk about low-income individuals, we're really talking about women and kids.  And one asset women possess that is routinely ignored, is our friendships and kin ties.

Turns out?  Friends have a greater "impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships."  Is it because we can choose our friends?  They drive us less crazy than our relatives?  :)  I don't know...what I do know is that when you're truly close to your friends, the line separating them from family weakens, until hopefully you've surrounded yourself with people who love you unconditionally and vice versa, and make your lives happier and easier, when they can.

We'd do well as a society to look to women's relationships with one another to understand how to improve social support systems for the vulnerable among us.  And we'd do well to encourage men to follow our lead, and join us.

What's your experience with close friendships in your life?

(Photo of me and two of my gals at our 10 year college reunion); I'm the one talking nonsense on the left.)