LGBT Parenting: When Preschool Strikes

Parenting is an immensely personal thing. When to have children, and how many, and will one parent stay home and how to discipline and educate and one million decisions that parents have to make on a daily basis. We all make different decisions, we all have different perspectives and, for gay parents, many of these personal choices have to be made before anyone’s even pregnant yet. And then once that kid, or in our case kids, show up, the millions of decisions are joined by fears and joys and everyday obstacles.

This is true for any family, gay, straight, divorced, whatever. But my sweet little family is about to embark on something that is totally thrilling and totally petrifying in a way very specific for two little guys who happen to have two moms. Preschool.

For most parents, this is the moment their kid becomes “big” and independent, having playdates and best friends and entire parts of the day they live without parents around. All that will certainly be true for our boys. But until this point, we have had it easy.

And now something is coming: they are about to be exposed to all sorts of totally new stuff — juice boxes, swimming, separation, the smell of bleach in the bathroom, and a classroom of kids talking about Dad.

Our boys are lovely little men, curious and funny and confident and mostly gentle. But up until this point, they have spent their days hanging out with me, and surrounded by families who look a lot like ours. Not to say that we have exclusively lesbian friends — certainly the boys have been exposed to a variety of family units — but they are about to become the minority, the different. And my instinct is to wrap them in safety and security, hold them in this easy lovely place.

Except that is not part of our plan. My wife and I entered into parenting with a single understanding, that we would be honest every step of the way, in whatever way is age appropriate for our boys. We would put our cards on the table about how our family came to be. Back then, it was theoretical. And now, suddenly, we are on the precipice of discovery and questioning and it’s kind of scary.

All we want for our boys, like so many parents, is the ability to cope with life. These questions will start and never stop, for the rest of their lives. So all we can do is behave in the same way we want them to behave: honestly, tactfully, emotionally and with humor. Every time someone asks me if they are twins and does one look like me and one like their father, I correct them … and sometimes that means an extra 10 minutes of explanation when I’m in a hurry, or a quizzical, nasty look from an eavesdropper, but I am obligated to be open and honest, even when it’s inconvenient, because that’s how I want them to be.

Parenting is about personal choices, but it's also about stepping back and letting the kids take the reins. Preschool is going to be a challenge for us, and we may be a challenge for some at preschool. As parents, we've hopefully chosen an environment where our boys can feel safe to talk about their family in whatever way they choose. If we've played our cards right so far, they'll be as proud of us as we are of them.

Photo credit: Maia Spotts