Mamma Mia! What Does America Have Against (Poor) Mothers?

Being a mother is hard work. Being a poor mother is even harder. Being a homeless poor mother is hardest of all, multiplied by the number of kids you have. My Change.org colleague Carl Chancellor recently chronicled the academic proof of this. I'll add the sandals-on-the-ground perspective.

I just spent a grueling day at a "reality seminar" with a young homeless mother and her five children (aged six months to 10 years). They were minutes away from having to leave their motel room, with no viable options. I witnessed that it takes a super-woman to navigate the unbelievably user-unfriendly, anachronistic safety net (if it still exists, which varies mightily from community to community). And lacking herculean help, families will likely be swept onto the destructive, debilitating streets, joining millions of almost totally hopeless homeless children, teens and adults. Arianna Huffington nailed it in a recent column: " ... with virtually every institution that once provided stability to American life now in question, millions are being thrust into a new, much harsher reality."

First, the motel myth. It's not a vacation to stay in a hotel when there's no home to return to — it's hell. But it's a frequently-used option for homeless families with some income. This family was in a "suite," a fancy name for a room with an infinitesimal kitchen. This Martha Stewart mom concocted a cheap pasta meal for her kids, staving off hunger for a few hours. The children, stymied by a lack of toys with just the TV for distraction, couldn't help but create a nerve-fraying environment. With only the clothes on their backs, mom had to do laundry so the kids would be presentable for school. Cost of the hotel laundry facility? A budget-busting $10.

Obviously they can't stay here forever. This frugal mom found a decent hotel and negotiated an impressive $50 a night rate, plus $5 tax (which subsidizes state and local governments). In a (theoretically) resource-rich area such as DuPage County, Illinois, the help offered proves to be overtaxed or overrated, as I discovered when making internet and phone inquiries. One web search led me to the Humane Society. Huh? Just to register at the homeless program to be able to use their address, the mom was told she'd have to wait a month to get an appointment. Navigating the path to eventual independence is daunting and discouraging. Add a bunch of antsy kids and it's insanity.

Shadowing this mom, I realized that her work is much harder than anyone imagines. Try to maintain a grip on three little tykes as you go through intake and pantry lines. Figure out child care options when you have no money. Maintain a working cell phone, your only link to the outside world. Crawl through a stuffed, hot, over-priced storage bin to find papers, school clothes and toys. Call agencies, leaving messages that may not be returned for maddening days. Schedule errands when your older kids are in school, requiring "only" three babies to be with you, knowing you need to be back when the cab drops off your school kids. Find money for gas, praying your beater van doesn't give out, requiring impossible repairs. Show up at the aid office to speak to your caseworker (who doesn't answer her phone/messages) and be told the office closes an hour before closing time, come back tomorrow. And then come "home" and make a nutritious meal for your family on the two-burner stove, with minimal supplies, with a withering sense that you and your loved ones will ever get out of this sinkhole.

What did this mom say she wanted? A couple hours to clear her head without kids clamoring. Ain't gonna happen, and she knows it.

My brief assessment of what's needed for a true support system:

• The availability of a mentor/extra set of hands, especially for families with multiple children.
• Adaptations appropriate to the 21st century, like using Skype calls. Not everyone has computers, but public libraries can be very useful for this.
• A non-preachy way to caution stressed moms about endless rip-offs, like storage space come-ons, title loans, rent-to-own businesses, sleazy men (and some women) who prey on desperate people, etc.
• Practical nutritional advice, especially with limited food and facilities.
• Real help collecting child support, which means revamping the system.
• More assistance to schools helping homeless children.

Oh yeah, and resources to operate these programs (since it will be a while til we truly address poverty).

Seems to me our nation has abandoned poor families. With more and more families falling into the vortex, the rich kids are going to have to go to the slums to find playmates.

Photo credit: Diane Nilan