May and Mother's Day and the Other Side of Choice

Sometimes I really dread the coming of the month of May. Aside from the coming of the onslaught of Yellow Dust that sweeps over the Korean Peninsula here that aggravates our allergies in Spring, I know that I have to deal with Mother's Day. It is funny to hear a mother complaining about Mother's Day, isn't it? But I implore you to hear me out for a paragraph or three.

I don't hate the sentiment completely because I deeply hold that Motherhood is an undervalued choice that even feminists often forget to attach value to when they argue about the importance of choice. When we write strongly worded letters to Congresspersons and start petitions demanding that they champion our right to choose what to do with our reproductive systems I feel that we are often forgetting that the right to choose to be a mother is sometimes left out of that concept. Often the message I see is that it is okay to have babies, but only the "right" babies. I need only remember the history of my own people's heritage: the systematic sterilization of Native women and forced use of IUDs sent a strong message that brown or red babies were not wanted, only good white babies to good rich homes.

But back to the point. I, as a woman who has both worked in and out of the home as a mother, as both a single mother and a mother with a partner, know full well the work involved in raising a child. I slightly resent the fact that the workload that is primarily heaped upon women in our society is presumably paid back by one day of honor. One day of cards and hugs and kisses and flowers and nigh useless trinkets.

I dread Mother's Day, because it feels, to me, that it is meant to placate me. It feeds the undervaluing of the unpaid labor that women provide in the care of children. The countless sleepless nights, the chaffed nipples, the fatigue, the instant demands for food, the cleaning up of endless body waste, the appointments, the play dates, the laundry ... I could go on but I think you get the point. One morning of breakfast in bed and fresh gerbera daisies doesn't quite compensate.

But I get Mother's Day. I get that it is intended to be something nice. I can't help that it feels like a backhanded compliment, but I get the concept. This Mother's Day I will smile and say "thank you" because it is a gesture that is meant to be kind. My kid has been doing her chores without complaint to earn some extra change because she wants to buy me a new coffee mug. Because she loves me, and she has bought into this hype that this day is meant to show me how much all of my work means to her.

On Mother's Day when we are paying respect to the mothers in our lives, pause for a moment and take into consideration all of the work that goes into raising children. It is a laborious job that is undervalued, under appreciated by society, and yes, underpaid. Unless I missed the last eight years of paychecks. Perhaps they went to the wrong address?

Photo credit: jonathanb1989