My Eating Disorder Is All About...

What drives people to starve and binge and purge?

Though there are a variety of stereotypical answers to choose from, none of these reasons can fully explain disordered eating habits. Anorexia is about perfection. Bulimia is about control. Overeating is about consolation. Eating disorders are genetic. Body image issues are a reaction to skinny models.

Yet there is no simple cure. No single method of therapy or proven combination of pills. No guaranteed way to fix things.

Our society reduces eating disorders to a weight issue. From doctors basing their diagnosis off a BMI chart to the media crucifying Barbie for creating an unrealistic ideal, there is an overwhelming emphasis on physical symptoms. But when you ask the men and women who are suffering, you hear a very different side of the story.

One simple question was asked on an online support forum. The respondents varied in age, career, economic status, sexual orientation and nationality. Yet they all are in recovery or currently suffering from an eating disorder. These are some of their answers.

What is your eating disorder "all about" for you?

"It's about life and the fact I can't deal with it." - AT

"Losing weight, self destruction, numbing, something to come home to, something to rely on, something to get lost in, a way of saying 'I'm not ok,' a way of saying 'fuck you all and fuck this life." - NO

"I was abused sexually, physically, and verbally and I'm still angry about it. I can't get over it." - PR

"I do think it's partially a control thing. I can't control things that are going on at work. I can't control the amount of stress and pressure I'm under. But I can control what I put into my body and how much I weigh. It's definitely a silly reason, but who ever said there wasn't one behind an eating disorder?" - TB

"Bulimia definitely helps me deal with stress. It's always there for me, because I often feel alone. It's something I do when I am bored/stressed/whatever. The weight loss is a side incentive for me." - TO

"Being frightened of intimacy, my own emotions, failure and sexuality. Being scrutinized and evaluated by others in terms of looks or intelligence. Feeling that I only deserve care and attention if I am "sick." Being emotionally and sexually abused as a child and being raped as an adult. Having a bulimic mother. Never, ever, feeling good enough." - VN

"At this point, it's about needing to be sick. Needing something wrong with me. I sabotage every chance at happiness I get." - PM

"Part of it is perfectionism, although to an outsider I probably look nothing like a perfectionist. People close to me see me as one though, which is a bit weird because for years now I've seen myself as a perfectionist who went over to the Dark Side. Seriously, it's like I couldn't be as good or as perfect as I was meant to be, things just weren't ever right, it all got too much, so I gave up completely." - CO

"My starving myself was saying to him, 'You may think you can hurt me, but I can hurt myself way more than you can." - LG

"I think that being thin equals being acceptable. I've spent most of my life feeling inferior and like a giant fuck up. I want to be successful, I want to be liked and accepted, and I feel like if I'm not thin, then I can't be any of those other things." - HA

"When this first started almost 10 years ago, it was definitely about punishment and control. I was abused growing up and I think this was a large part of how I chose to deal with it. Now I'm not so sure. Maybe punishment still plays a factor, but I know control doesn't anymore. This ED has control over me now and I can't delude myself into believing anything else anymore. I think more than anything this has just become ‘me' and I'm scared to try and live any other way. Sort of like breathing, I don't even think about what it's "about" for me, it's just there." - BA

"Ambivalence about life or death and finding a way to express that." - AS

Photo Credit: Meredith_Farmer