My Top Ten Things That Never Would Have Happened If I'd Killed Myself in High School

Like many LGBT people, I had some very dark days in middle school and high school. For three years I never picked up a knife without imagining slitting my wrists with it. I spent many nights sitting up alone, wishing I could die right then and there and feeling much darker inside than the black night outside my window.

I am many years past those times now. My life has been good and bad, easy and difficult, lonely and filled with friends and family. It’s been great. And here are some of my favorite things I never would have done or experienced if I had actually died when I was 16.

1. Gone to Europe, Africa, or the Caribbean.
   I worked as a dancer all over the world, and have also been a tourist through the south of France, around London, and lots of other places. I’ve made love in a vineyard at midnight. I’ve climbed up to the cave where Mary Magdalene spent her last years. I’ve sailed next to icebergs in the Arctic Circle and sat out on a ship’s deck in bright daylight at 11:00 pm.
2. Partied with the cream of Old Hollywood.
   I can’t claim to have met Beyonce or Britney, but when I worked in Vegas I did share drinks with Debbie Reynolds, Liza Minnelli, and Sammy Davis Jr., among others.
3. Written three novels.
   All right, so they’re not published yet. But when I was 16, I never would have believed I could even find that many words, or create a whole story with interesting characters from beginning to end. And one or more of them will be published. Someday.
4. Owned a computer or a cell phone, watched videos on YouTube, or posted updates on Facebook.
   None of those technologies existed when I was in high school. And they’re all pretty great. I love using every one of them every single day. And I can’t wait to see what comes next.
5. Heard tens of thousands of people clapping for me.
   I told you I was a dancer. Some of those audiences were big. And loud. That much cheering is very cool.
6. Read the Harry Potter series.
   Would you have wanted to miss how it ended?
7. Had a great relationship with my parents.
   It took some doing, and some extended periods of not talking to each other. But now my parents are extremely cool and I love having their friendship. They love my husband and come visit a couple times a year. I like them.
8. Become a blogger on Change.org.
   I love writing here. This is my favorite thing I’ve done in a long, long time. For my birthday this year, Phil gave me a framed printout of my first post. I cried. And I’ll keep it forever.
9. Met the love of my life.
   Phil and I have been together for six years. We are very, very happy, we are renovating a home together, and we have many friends.
10. Gotten married.
    Phil and I got legally married on September 28, 2008 in Palo Alto, California. We were surrounded by 120 people who loved us. It was the most perfect day I’ve ever experienced. People still tell us it was the best wedding they’ve ever been to.

So that’s my list. What’s yours? I’m inviting every adult reading this post to add a comment with your own favorite things you would have missed if you’d died in high school. Let our younger LGBT brothers and sisters know what could be waiting for them so they’ll know it’s worth it.

And while you’re thinking of your list, go to the It Gets Better Project and sign the pledge that you'll tell people about discrimination and spread encouragement. You’re doing it already, right now!

Photo credit: Cristian Asher