No Miracles But Lots of Hard Work

I have been making the rounds of visiting schools for autistic children. New Jersey has quite a few, with many using the principles of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) as their teaching methodology, having one-to-one teacher-to-student ratios, and being very small (no more than 30 students, if that). I've been having feelings of déja vu while at the Open Houses---it was 8 or 9 years ago that I visited many of these schools.

Most of the parents I've met have children of around 3 or so years which is the age most children are accepted into the schools. Charlie being a grand old age of 12, it's not been too hard to get the feeling that he's the odd man/boy out. For a few moments of each visit, I have been asking myself, why am I bothering---isn't this some futile effort on my part that's only going to result in "no, we have no room for your child" delivered in a short form letter? I try to imagine how I as the parent of a much younger Charlie would have felt to hear another parent say what I have been saying: "My son is 12 and he is in a public school autism program and it does have the same student-to-staff ratio as this private school etc. etc." Would I have been thinking, so she did all that and her son has all that and he still has huge challenges and no way he's getting into this school to help him through them?

But then, in listening to the school directors' presentations, I said to myself, now wait a moment.

After going over the history of their schools and their teaching methods and philosophy, the school directors noted how their teaching is not only about academic subjects and teaching communication skills, self-help skills, and the like. They also noted that they work on teaching children to do things "in the community" such as:

• haircuts (check I thought: Jim taught Charlie to get his hair buzzed at the local barbershop and Charlie enjoys it)
• dentist and doctor visits (another check--Charlie gets his teeth cleaned sitting in the dentist chair, patiently waits in the waiting and examination rooms, gets his shots and gets prodded by the stethoscope and has his ears checked; got through an audiology test and also blood testing to the tune of 12 vials)

• bike riding (totally check: Jim and Charlie have been averaging two long bike rides on these summer days; I saw a boy on a little bike outfitted with training wheels such as Charlie used to have as I crossed the parking lot at one of the schools I visited)
• grocery shopping and not only getting what Charlie wants (check)
• eating in restaurants (check; Charlie would eat out every night if he could)
• airplanes (check, though lately Charlie, while ok with the airplane travel, has not been so ok about being in new places lately---something more to work on)
• playing musical instruments including piano and cello (check and check; currently we are on hiatus with this due to Charlie's extreme sound sensitivity)

While we've been able to discuss teaching Charlie to do these things with various consultants over the years, and have had therapists accompany us in some situations (like at the dentist for awhile), Jim and I have mostly worked on teaching Charlie these things on our own.

So as I listened to the question and answers of other parents and walked around the schools, touring the classrooms, I also thought about how, without having Charlie in such a school for allt hese years, he's learned quite a bit. Certainly when he was 3 years old, haircuts, the dentist, getting his blood drawn, supermarkets, airplane travel, playing "Happy Birthday" on the piano, riding a bike---the thought of him do all of these things would have seemed like a miracle.

And as one of the school directors said, they don't produce miracles at the schools. The students work hard, the teachers work hard, step by step by step.

The one thing I wish I had said to some of those parents of much younger children is: Sure, it would be great if your child got a placement at this school. But in the meantime you must deal with what is in front of you---your child---and learn and work at teaching him yourself and you can do more than you know yourself.

And sure, it would be great if Charlie could get a placement in one of those schools. In the meantime, we've got our wits and our years of training and teaching him. A little DIY attitude doesn't hurt and---like Charlie on a recent 12-mile bike ride---could go farther than anyone might think.