Rewriting Conservatives for Patients' Rights' Script

Surely you would have guessed the first anti-health care reform spots would come from PhRMA, who warned that they would spend millions of dollars to convince President Obama to leave the pharmaceutical industry alone.  Maybe, maybe it would have been from American Health Insurance Plans, if Obama had begun aggressively pushing the public competitor as a non-negotiable part of his plan.  Also possible, but unlikely, would have been the Chamber of Commerce or even the RNC.  Nope.  Instead it's Conservatives for Patients' Rights, a group you've never heard of - because they're brand new.

It also seems like they need a little help with their scripts!

For one thing, they're trying to revive old ghost tales about health care reform - which makes sense, I suppose, since their spokesperson is former Columbia/HCA Healthcare CEO Richard Scott, himself an old health care ghost from a system gone bad.  I'd recommend Ezra Klein's write-up, where he recounts that, "When all was said and done, HCA agreed to pay the government $1.7 billion. It was the largest fraud settlement in U.S. history. Richard Scott, the CEO, was forced to resign in shame."  Or you can read Jonathan Cohn's, where he says Scott "is emblematic of everything that's frequently wrong with corporate, for-profit medicine."  Or Maggie Mahar's, where she recounts how bad things got at Scott's hospitals for staff and patients, and how "the investigation revealed that the hospital chain had been bilking Medicare while simultaneously handing over kickbacks and perks to physicians who steered patients to its hospitals."

Or you can just go with my appraisal of Mr. Scott, borrowed liberally from Bugs Bunny:  "What an ultra-maroon!  What a nincompoop!"

Because really, folks, if you're going to try to follow in the footsteps of the infamous Harry and Louise ads or Swift Boat Veterans for Truth (note:  same PR firm!  Glad to see those guys are still getting work... not), you should try to, you know, NOT MAKE YOUR PRINCIPLES EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE OBAMA PLAN YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGHT AGAINST!  Contrast, people, contrast!

Here's my rewrite of the TV spot to highlight the absurdity:

With Congress starting on health care, let's remind politicians Americans know what works.  After all, according to Kaiser Family Foundation's tracking poll, 62% of Americans say we should tackle health care reform this year!  Wait, forget I said that part.

Choice - that means choosing your own doctor rather than being limited to doctors that are in-network, having a high deductible plan that doesn't cover non-emergency doctor visits, or being uninsured and unable to see any doctor whatsoever.  Also, having a choice between public coverage or private insurance.  Or just having a choice other than "whatever my employer gives me, even though the premiums have gone up every year."

Competition - disclose prices and performance up front, similar to how Medicare does it, but largely unlike private insurance who will keep you guessing on the rates, whether the procedure will be approved, and whether you'll be charged later by the doctor for going out-of-network based on faulty information. Also, a comprehensive standard benefits package as good as members of Congress get, so you're comparing like to like when looking at the prices for plans.  Finally, a National Health Exchange with public and private options, so those guys can really go at it to provide you the best deal.

Accountability - to give you the same tax breaks for insurance employers get.  Or, as Sen. Max Baucus is indicating, just take those tax breaks away from employers (problem solved!)  And by accountability, I absolutely do not mean doing some research to determine if all of these procedures and fancy drugs actually make you better.  Finally, accountability means being able to fire your health insurance company if they tick you off.

And Personal Responsibility - reward healthy choices, like getting primary and preventative care, using a smoking cessation program to live a healthier lifestyle, and not holding off on getting care because you're worried about skyrocketing costs, as 53% of Americans did this year.

Let's have real reform, that puts patients over profits.  Unlike at my hospitals. Because I care about patients now, possibly for the first time.  It's a bold new century, people.

Conservative for Patients' Rights - defending YOUR RIGHT to choose the ability to get quality, affordable health care, rather than the dysfunctional status quo... oh right, you did choose already, didn't you?  Back in November 2008.

Yeah, see, now that's a little better.  Not quite enough about how it's necessary to cut costs for everybody in tough economic times, or how acting now prevents a future catastrophe for federal and state budgets, but you get the idea.

I'm Tim Foley, and I approve this message.