Sexy Science: From Lips to Hips to Cheeks, Studies Rank Women

Studies have shown that beauty magazines make women feel uglier. But did you know that reading the news also makes women feel uglier? When I read the BBC each morning hunched over my oatmeal, articles that provide criteria for ranking women as potential breeders mates constantly pop up in my less-than-perfectly-proportioned face.

Stories like this one: "Plumper lips and pout make women look younger! Women who have fuller and firmer lips are seen as younger than they really are, research suggests." For two days, this story was a "most popular" one. Of course it was. I clicked the link before my first bite of oatmeal. Car bomb? Banker bonuses? Who cares! I had to see where I stood, lipwise.

In case you care, somewhere in the lower third. "The pink part of the thinnest lips measured just 3mm from the top of the upper lip to the bottom of the lower lip, while the fullest lips among the over-sixties measured 2.2cm." These stats come from David Gunn, a scientist at Unilever, a company that sells "sumptuous soups to sensuous soaps." They  also make the Vaseline I put on my papery lips after waking. Aha.

If the article had stressed that the study came from a personal beauty products company, I doubt the story would have been Most Popular for even one day. Readers would have rolled their eyes and returned to reading about Afghanistan.

Instead, we stare at the photo of Scarlett Johannsen.  "Even with a few wrinkles or grey hairs," says the article, "A plump pout can take years off a woman." We finger the fireworks of white sprouting from our crowns, suddenly aware that they are liability when combined with our thin lips, significantly decreasing our overall gross beauty index (GBI).

The BBC shrieks: "Pretty Women Anger More Easily," and this "most popular" story steals the thunder from the twenty Taliban militants who attacked Kabul -- in part because the BBC sexified up its headline, which actually should have read, "Women Who Believe Themselves to Be Pretty Anger More Easily." While this study regarding women's appearance doesn't reveal how men feel about these angry women, fortunately other studies do tell us what men like: they prefer rosy cheeks and "normal" sized women.

Says who? Well, St Andrews University sponsored at least three of the beauty-ranking studies I stumbled across. The University has a massive research program, so it's no shock that they've produced a few semi-pointless, sexist studies along the way. But who sponsors St. Andrews? Venerable research institutions must get their money somewhere, possibly from a less venerable source. (I'm suspicious after that Unilever bit.) I scrounged around on the university website but found no answers. Stay tuned while I wait for their PR department to respond to my query about their funding sources.

When I close my laptop and head to work, I'm not exactly sure what's going on in the world, but I do kind of question whether I'm pretty or young-looking enough to navigate it.

Readers, have you seen equivalent studies ranking men? Do you know which companies pay for sexist studies that attack people's self-esteem, in order to boost product sales? Let us know!

Photo credit: Mrsraggle