The Crazy Marriage Doctrine of the Catholic Diocese of Phoenix

If you're a straight couple and you want to get married within the confines of the Catholic Diocese of Phoenix, Arizona, you better be prepared to sit through a lengthy session of classes where you'll be told that straight marriage is wonderful, and gay marriage is evil.

Worried about the future of traditional marriage, Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted has launched new rules for pre-marriage preparation for Catholic couples. Previously, couples looking to get married inside a Catholic Church had to attend a series of classes over a period of six months. Call them marriage preparation courses, if you will. Now, under the new rules from Bishop Olmsted, Catholic couples must give themselves nine months to prepare for marriage, and they must learn that gay marriage is a threat to the well-being of the planet.

Of course, this isn't necessarily all that surprising. The Diocese of Phoenix has become one of the most anti-gay hotbeds of Catholicism in the country. Last year the Diocese of Phoenix shelled out $100,000 to ban gay marriage ... IN MAINE! It's bad enough that same-sex couples can't have their relationship recognized in Arizona, but for the Catholic Diocese of Phoenix, they want to go after same-sex couples in a state 2,700 miles away.

Under the new rules instituted by Bishop Olmsted, Catholic couples will need to be educated about the "increasing confusion over the meaning of marriage in society because of efforts to legalize gay marriage." How that will play out is unknown, although most folks seem to think it will be a crash course in biblical misinterpretation, where the Church talks about how there's a history of opposition to same-sex marriage dating all the way back to the days when Daniel was hanging out in that lion's den.

In justifying the new marriage curriculum, Michael Phelan of the Catholic Diocese of Phoenix's Office of Marriage and Respect Life told AZCentral.com that Catholic couples need to learn the reasons why the Church takes marriage so seriously. In addition to being told gay marriage is bad, couples will also be told that co-habitation is bad, that divorce is bad, and that single-parent families are bad. Talk about a real downer.

"It could be compared to a dearth of culinary knowledge. If I know little about the difference between eating at a fast-food restaurant and a four-star feast, I won't value the whole experience," Phelan said, comparing gay marriage, co-habitation, and divorce to Taco Bell.

But will this step back into the 16th century do wonders for the Catholic Church? Probably not. Catholic weddings are at an all-time low. One has to wonder if the fact that the Catholic Church has turned into one of the most homophobic institutions in the country has anything to do with that statistic. Maybe.

Or, as one commenter wrote on the AZCentral.com site, "This is just what [the Church] needs. Nine months of lectures about married life from priests that have no comprehension of what marriage is about."

'Nuff said.

Photo credit: zenobia_joy