The Feminist Queries: Etiquette Lessons from Anna Post

For the second round Feminist Queries, I have interviewed Anna Post, who is Emily Post's great-great-granddaughter, as well as an author and spokesperson for The Emily Post Institute.

Before joining the family business, Anna worked for the Washington, D.C. office of Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vt) as well as the Motion Picture Association of America. Raised in Charlotte, Vermont, she is a graduate of Phillips Andover Academy and holds a bachelor’s degree in political science from the University of Vermont. Anna currently blogs at "What Would Emily Post Do?" in addition to her work at the Emily Post Institute where she serves as an author, writer, speaker and gives wedding and business etiquette classes around the country.

I decided to interview Anna because I thought that the idea of "feminist etiquette" could be a compelling topic for women to discuss and think about. What I got from our interview was much more interesting than I ever expected and I learned that the idea of manners and etiquette can relate with the women's rights movement in many ways.

Take a moment to look through the interview, as well as the question she has for all of you at the end.

Do you consider yourself part of the women's rights movement at all? In what way? 

I was brought up on the bumper sticker definition that "Feminism is the radical idea that women are people too." And I do view the feminist movement as one that seeks for women to be treated equally in society and in the workplace.

While I do not label myself a feminist, I realize that being able to say that says a lot about the benefits I have received from the work of other women who have declared themselves feminists. I do believe in people doing things for other people, and I see that as a sign of showing respect for both men and women equally.

How has your experience at the Emily Post Institute changed your opinion of how women should or shouldn't act within society?

I've never once had a question from a woman who expected a man to open the door for her. Some say they appreciate it, but no one has been angry if it doesn't happen. In today's society, it is important to use your words to clarify your actions. If you are a man and want to open a door for a woman, just ask her, "May I get the door for you?" The same goes for pulling out chairs and other acts of "chivalry." Many women today do not embrace these actions, but many men have been taught that performing them is the way to show women respect. Today, it's most respectful to give women a choice.

There are certain principles of etiquette that go beyond the manners. Manners consist of societal expectations that change over time. In fact, today manners and the sexes are not as much about how women should or shouldn't act in society, but how men do. A lot of what I do lately is give advice to men who learned certain manners that no longer apply. The manners for how men treat women do vary around the country, and have been changing rapidly over the past several generations. Most men want to do the "right thing", but it's no longer clear what that is. It changes from place to place, and even woman to woman, so they often feel that they are "damned if they do, damned if they don't."

What are three rules of feminist etiquette that you can provide the Change.org readers?

Rule 1: Be pre-emptive. Here's a frustrating situation: You've hosted a business lunch, and as the host, you're expected to pay. But the waiter brings a check to the man at the table. If the man at the table insists on paying, you may politely counter once or twice, but you shouldn't push it much farther than that. Don't let the arguing over the bill take away from the business exchange. You can take a preventative approach to avoid this experience by talking to the wait staff in advance or giving them your credit card ahead of time.

Rule 2: The rules of formality have changed. Today, the way women are addressed in a formal situation is much different than it used to be. Previously, married women were always identified by their husband's name. In the past, if I was married to a man named John Smith, I would have to be addressed as Mrs. John Smith. Today there are options - I could be Mrs. Anna Smith, Mrs. Anna Post or Ms. Anna Post and still follow proper formal etiquette. This is considered a huge departure and allows women many options about how they are presented in society.

Rule 3: If you're hosting, you're paying.  On a date, the person who does the asking is the host. Women need to be careful with their language. If a woman wants to go on a date with a man, she should be ready to pay. Too often people say, "Let's go to dinner," which isn't very clear, instead of "I'd like to take you out to dinner." Women today need to tighten up their language, because it's no longer fair to assume it is the man's responsibility to take care of the check.

How do you think that the definition of female etiquette has changed in the years since Emily Post was alive?

Emily was a divorced career woman who died in 1960. While I don't believe Emily called herself a feminist, she did a good job of honestly reflecting where society was at a given time, and was very comfortable when it headed in a new direction. Women were the social event organizers in the 1960s, but society has really opened up to men participating as well, so I don't write etiquette advice just for women anymore, though they are still the largest demographic buying our books.

Open-mindedness and inclusiveness are two overarching themes that are reflected in good etiquette. Today we are much more conscious of etiquette as the idea of people doing things for people, versus a female or male point of view.  Additionally, we are often leading the way in terms of how people should treat each other. For example, by 1946 Emily had dropped chaperones from her book, and in the 1990s we first wrote about wedding etiquette for same-sex couples. We believe that etiquette needs to be real to people's lives-it's not about arbitrarily dictating what people should or shouldn't do, but about reflecting how the world is.

If you could ask feminists one question, what would it be?

How do you define the challenges facing the feminist movement today?