The Lesbian Convertible, Now in Rainbow

Do you remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine tries to convert a gay man, for whom she had been acting as a beard? She fails, of course. It plays off the myth that gay people are only confused, that they just need to meet the right person. The right person of a different sex, naturally. But that was, like, a million years ago. Who still thinks that?

Joe Rehyansky, that’s who. In case you missed it, the Vietnam veteran and part-time magistrate wrote a nice little piece for The Daily Caller, just dripping with homophobia and misogyny.

The gist of the piece is that hard-working soldiers shouldn’t have to shower with dudes looking at their junk. Solution? Only let the lesbians in. What lesbians are supposed to do about leering men is unclear.

But that is only the beginning.

You see, it’s obvious that all men want to do is plant a little sperm seed, and all women want to do is settle down. Rehyansky even goes so far as to say that “[i]t fell to men to swing through the trees and scour the caves in search of as many women as possible to subdue and impregnate…”. Subdue and impregnate. Now, I’m no expert on dating (my idea of a good time is staying home to watch Sherlock on PBS), but remind me to stay away from this guy. Creepy.

Evidently, this insatiable instinct to be a constant sperm cannon is still found in the modern homosexual male. These gay men just can’t control themselves! It is – his words, not mine – “party time all the time.” Oh, also, all gay men have AIDS.

So the United States should only allow lesbians in the armed forces. Everyone knows that gay men are effeminate weenies, while lesbians are butch and have no problem cutting their hair short. Plus, everyone knows that women – gay or straight – hate sex with a passion. Don’t worry, male soldiers, you won’t get jumped by these ladies! According to Rehyansky, it’s an “open secret” that lesbians do a good job in the military, “especially in medical and administrative specialties.”

Homophobia and misogyny, all in one sentence! Someone give that guy a medal.

But I haven’t even gotten to the worst part yet. And I’m just going to let Mr. Man-of-the-Year speak for himself:

“My solution would get the distaff part of our homosexual population off our collective ‘Broke Back,’ thus giving straight male GIs a fair shot at converting lesbians and bringing them into the mainstream.” (My emphasis)

This appallingly offensive and tone-deaf statement – not to mention the hellacious presumption that all a lesbian needs is sex with a man to make her see the error of her ways – has been taken off The Daily Caller webpage, but has been picked up elsewhere. (Gotta love an Internet trail!)

Holy frak. We should let lesbians into the military because they should be converted into normal, heterosexual women-folk. Why didn’t anyone else think of that? I wonder what that would do to Rehyansky’s hypothesis that lesbians are good soldiers – at least in a medical or administrative capacity? They would probably be ruined from all those baby-making hormones and would no longer be competent at their job. And then the United States military can go back to being the hetero-male paradise it always was.

It's time to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell and bring our military into the 21st century. Tell your senator enough is enough.

Photo credit: Nick Holland