The Rocky Road to Recovery

I've been struggling with my post for this week. Even though I have plenty of good topics to write about, nothing sounded right. And I have a feeling this ambiguity steams from yet another battle with my eating disorder.

I've hit another inevitable rocky patch on the long road to recovery. Yes, I saw this coming, and I understand why it is happening. The extra short story is I'm under a lot of stress, I don't feel like I have much control over the situation, but I do have complete control over what I eat. The added bonus is that our society promotes and applauds weight loss. Even if I get too thin, the fact that people comment on my size is somehow reassuring. In our culture, being skinny is equated with being happy, so losing weight becomes a way to actively pursue happiness. At a time when I am feeling down, when it is hard to wake up every day and enjoy life, a quick fix can be irresistible.

I know this. I understand this. Yet I still struggle.

Like getting high or drunk, getting thin becomes an addiction. A key principle in 12 Step programs is complete abstinence from your substance of choice. One drink or one hit can lead to a hundred more. But there is an extra twist to recovering from an eating disorder: you can never abstain from food. The essence of healthy eating is moderation. You need to eat enough but not too much. When recovering from eating disorder, it is vital to learn the art of balance, and that is what makes it so difficult to get better and stay healthy. It is all a gray area. Slip a little here, slip a little there, suddenly the disease creeps back through the cracks.

Accountability is another important part of recovery. I tried to write inspiring and insightful things, but I just couldn't do it, it didn't sound real. Now I feel like the slate is clean.

I hope this can help put eating disorders in perspective as well. The informal rule of thumb is however long you were sick, that's how long to recover. It took me 11 years to hit rock bottom and I expect it will take at least 11 years to be completely healthy. I'm only four years into the process. And I honestly think I'll struggle with weight and food for the rest of my life.

That shortcut to happiness wasn't worth the long trip through hell. I just have to remind myself where that road has taken me. Because even if the scenery has changed, the end result will always be the same, and I never want to live in that place again.