The Unacknowledged Victims of the Victims of Homophobia

by Michael Jones · 2009-09-14 04:36:00 UTC
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We know that gays and lesbians pay a huge price for being denied equal marriage rights, be it in the form of taxes and benefits, reinforced homophobia, or being told that we're less than straight people.  But there's another group of folks who say they, too, pay a price for society not recognizing marriage equality, and they're the straight spouses of gay and lesbian people.

The what?  Yup, the straight folks who fall in love with gays and lesbians that are in the closet, but feel the pressure from their communities, families, churches, etc. to be in a relationship and fall in love with someone from the opposite sex. These straight spouses say that if our country would just stand up and recognize same-sex marriage, it would save a lot of hurt on both sides of the Kinsey Scale.

Amity Pierce Buxton, the founder of the Straight Spouse Network, said that there are roughly two million gay men and lesbians who have been or are in heterosexual marriages.  As Buxton tells the AP, a large reason why these marriages happen is because of same-sex marriage bans.

"We are the unacknowledged victims of the victims of homophobia," said Buxton. "When gays and lesbians feel they have to get married to be accepted and to have kids, that hurts not only gays and lesbians, but straight spouses and kids."

Point well taken. The AP article includes some stories from heterosexual spouses of gay men and lesbians. Even more interesting is the statistics that Buxton gives about the Straight Spouse Network. Of those that contact the group, about one-third immediately split from their partner, while one-third stay together for a few years, and another third resolve to make their marriages work.

Relationships are complicated things. Perhaps no one can attest to that more so than the straight spouses of gays and lesbians, as well as LGBT folks who feel pressured into straight marriage.

What's not complicated is that if we built the type of culture that championed equal rights and marriage equality, we would spare an awful lot of people -- including straight spouses -- a share of heartache.

Michael Jones is a Change.org Editor. He has worked in the field of human rights communications for a decade, most recently for Harvard Law School.
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