What Gay and Straight Men Have In Common

Gay and straight men have a lot of things in common. But one of the more surprising things may be a real confusion over identity.

Straight men have been going through a hard time in recent years. Just a generation ago, they ruled the world and the workplace, to say nothing of their own homes. Now, their authority is diminished, their favorite vices have been taken away from them, and, as I was discussing just last week, they can’t even make fun of us with impunity anymore. Judging by this year’s Super Bowl commercials — as noted by Reuters and in greater detail by Mark Morford in the SF Chronicle — American straight men have devolved into a pretty sorry lot. Those commercials present fleeting fantasies of driving fast and escaping, but real life is always waiting to swallow the desperate dude up again; straight guys, it seems, have given up their power and glory, and while this should make for happier relationships and a healthier lifestyle, it also seems to have led to a complete loss of identity and focus, and some real confusion.

I’m not suggesting anyone should take up a collection, or go back to any of the super-testosterone, he-man wussy-hater ways of the past. But this unexpected heterosexual identity crisis seems to me to parallel another one which we gays know well: how to come out, be honest about yourself, and feel confident when who you are runs counter to what society tells you you’re supposed to be.

Isn’t that ironic? Straight men are facing a crisis, and the group that could offer them the most insight and support in their time of trouble is… gay men. This is a whole new spin on Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, isn’t it?

On the other hand, we gays may not be doing that much better. In spite of all our progress over the last couple decades, young gay men still struggle with coming out and even facing their own sexuality. This came home to me when someone showed me a clip of JP Calderon struggling with coming out on the Janice Dickinson show. He’d been offered a feature in Instinct Magazine, which only uses out gay models. JP Calderon, in case you’re even more out of touch than me, is a perfectly glorious looking guy who’s had success in several careers and seems to exude both masculinity and confidence. Yet there he was on camera, struggling to own up to his own identity and telling us how hard he’d been working to hide it, and of his own self-hatred.

Really? In the 21st century? With prominent gay folks out in politics, entertainment, and sports? With all the resources online and on TV and at Amazon.com? With all of that, we’re still fighting self hatred?

We have this in common with straight men: none of us really understands what manhood means in this day and age. It’s not about hiding your feelings and bringing home the bacon anymore. It’s not about playing football and drinking beer and grunting. It’s not lots of things. But what is it?

We need an answer that includes straight men and gay men and all the variations in between. We need a cultural, societal, positive answer. What do you think?

Photo credit: atomicjeep