When Catholics Fear Male Figure Skating

What's one indication that the sport of male figure skating is going to emerge from the 2010 Olympics as more popular than ever? Conservative Catholics are starting to worry that the sport is going to take a nation of men and turn them into a nation of ... men who wear sequins.

While Pope Benedict XVI hasn't issued an edict denying Communion to male figure skaters yet, the sport has clearly gotten under the nerves of at least one Catholic columnist, Louie Verrecchio. He writes for Catholic News Agency, and in his latest column he takes male figure skating to task for not being NASCAR on ice.

The Olympics are speaking, Verrecchio writes, and what they're saying to a nation full of youth is a subliminal "Be homosexual. Be homosexual. Be homosexual. Triple Salchow." Verrecchio writes that if pro-family forces don't wake up to the homosexual recruitment efforts, which he says were on full display at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, male figure skating might just ruin American boys.

"Seriously, is there anyone who watched the telecast the other night (who) would be even remotely surprised if four years from now one of these guys comes skating out in an evening gown and a tiara?" Verrecchio writes. "If I had had a young son sitting next to me watching the Olympics you can bet he wouldn’t be left to witness the charade of men’s figure skating without some much needed observations from his dear ol’ Neanderthal Dad."

For the record, if a male figure skater were to come out on the ice in an evening gown and tiara, the Olympics would have their best ratings ever. (Seriously, you try doing a Triple Axel without losing the tiara.)

But Verrecchio's column punches harder. It's not just male figure skating he's after -- it's the way American boys and girls are taught nowadays. Gone are the days where a boy learned how to punch someone in the face and kill something. Gone are the days when girls learned how to make the Corn Flakes pop in the taste of the meatloaf. Instead, nowadays we've got girls and boys getting along with each other and playing "everyone wins" games. The horror.

"Ours is a world in which little boys are all-too-often trained in the ways of liberal feminism; a place where big boys not only cry but are praised for their sensitivity," Verrecchio writes. "And what do we have to show for it now? A metrosexual class of soft-bellied fellas who are inept at taking charge and making decisions, yet are strangely proficient at plucking their own eyebrows in traffic as they head to their 4 o’clock pedi."

Well, you have to give it to Verrecchio. All this time everyone thought it was The Golden Girls who created a generation of homosexuals. Turns out it's male figure skating.

Somewhere Jesus is wondering why Catholic columnists aren't focusing health care, poverty, homelessness, or peace and justice, instead of wasting time writing about the evils of male figure skating. Here's hoping heaven is just one big ice rink in the sky full of sequins.

Photo credit: tpower1978