You've Got to Fight, for Your Right, to Parent

Congratulations are in order for Mary Cheney and Heather Poe, who welcomed their second child earlier this month. It's a wonderful thing, a new little bundle, and I wholeheartedly wish you gals the best of luck -- especially since you live in Virginia.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Mary and Heather, but now comes the supremely difficult task of securing your rights as a family. And Virginia has never granted such rights to a lesbian couple. In fact, Virginia doesn't even recognize you as a couple. And with Bob McDonnell now at the helm, the traditional Virginia family is sure to be well-preserved. I hope you have a good lawyer, because you're going to have to contract everything, including Heather's parental right to pick up the kids from preschool or take them to the doctor. Find a good accountant, too. Trying to figure out taxes when you've started a family, and can't file jointly, can be a real bitch.

And so it goes for gay couples raising children in those 42 states where a second parent adoption -- one that allows another person to gain parental rights without requiring the biological parent to relinquish their own -- is either expressly unavailable to gay couples (that's Florida and Arkansas), creatively prohibited (no adoption by "unmarried cohabitating couples"), or left up to county courts. Most gay couples are forced to turn to extensive legal proceedings to secure rights. This means parenting agreements, statements of intent to co-parent, powers of attorney, wills, riders, legal name changes, paperwork to ensure receipt of pension and retirement funds, out-of-pocket insurance -- all in all, enormous sums of money spent to get the same rights that unmarried biological parents receive at the point of conception.

Sometimes, even with all bases covered, all rights contracted, and all fears supposedly allayed by legal paperwork, there are no guarantees. A lesbian woman armed to the teeth with court orders was barred, along with her kids, from visiting her dying partner in a Florida emergency room. Because of a hospital policy restricting emergency room visits to "immediate family" and because this family didn't fit that mold, they were kept apart at the moment they needed each other the most.

That's the kicker. When a gay couple decides to have a kid, it is family planning at its most thoughtful and sincere. It involves two people taking on not only the responsibility of child rearing, but also the burden of asserting their familial status in a system actively working against them. If only it could be that way for everyone starting a family: imagine a world where every kid is wanted, and fought for, and where parents must declare themselves ready to assume the responsibilities of having children in order to be granted the rights of parentage.

And so I honestly applaud you Mary and Heather. Although I can find little ideological overlap between you two and me, I'm proud of your commitment and dedication.

For those who would like to help Mary and Heather, and other same-sex parents like them, secure legal co-parenting rights, I suggest a donation in their name to Lambda Legal.

(Photo courtesy of Strangelittlerebel's photostream on Flickr)